Whatcha think?

[Rar]

It's not very original and not much happens. Apart from that tell me what what you think.

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INT. FLAT. DAY

ERIN
Give me a second, I’ll see if I can find it.

ANDREA follows him and helps him look for it.

ERIN
Don’t touch anything, I’ll find it.

ERIN flicks through a book and pulls out a piece of paper. He hands ANDREA the piece of paper.

ERIN
Why do you want his number for?

ANDREA
Thanks.

ANDREA puts the number in her pocket.

ERIN
Could you copy down the number. Because I want that back.

ANDREA takes it back out of her pocket.

EXT. TRAIN PLATFORM. DAY

ANDREA sees a woman pushing a pram towards some stairs on the opposite platform. ANDREA runs up the stairs, runs across the bridge and runs down the stairs on the opposite platform. ANDREA helps the woman carry the pram up the stairs.

INT. PHONEBOX. DAY

ANDREA makes a phone call.
ANDREA
I have the number. Pick me up in front of the shop.

BRIAN
Why don’t you call her now?

ANDREA
Because you should call her.

BRIAN
What’s the number? I'll call her now.

ANDREA
I want to be there when you call her.

BRIAN
You like to make things difficult.

ANDREA hangs up on him.

INT. CAR. DAY

ANDREA gets into the car.

ANDREA
Let’s get something to eat first.

BRIAN
I have other things to do you know.

ANDREA
I haven’t eaten all day.

They drive off.

INT. CAF?. DAY

They sit in the caf? eating quietly.
They finish eating and leave.

INT. PHONEBOX. DAY

BRIAN picks up the phone.

ANDREA
Let me make the call.

BRIAN
I thought…..

BRIAN hands her the phone.
ANDREA dials the number, waits two seconds, then hangs up the phone.

ANDREA
You make the call

BRIAN makes the call.

BRIAN
Hello, Mrs. Aramaghuhur…..Aramagruma…..Aramah…

MRS. ARAMAGHRUMAN
Aramagruman. It’s a silent ‘h’.

BRIAN
We have you’re son. Pay us ?5000 or we will seriously injure him.

MRS. ARAMAGHRUMAN
How do I know you have him.

BRIAN
He once ate a whole birthday cake made for his granddad, then later threw up the cake on his granddad.

MRS. ARAMAGHRUMAN
What do you want me to do?

BRIAN
Go to the Lower St branch of your bank.
Withdraw the money from the second cashier on the left.
Go to the Allen Bridge where you will find a bag.
Put the money in the bag, and drop it in the river.
Your son will then be released.
You will be watched.

BRIAN hangs up the phone.

EXT. STREET. DAY.

ANDREA and BRIAN follow MRS. ARAMAGHRUMAN as she drives to the bank.

INT. CAR. DAY

ANDREA
Can you take the next left? I want to visit a friend.

BRIAN
Aren’t we supposed to be following her?

ANDREA
She’s not going to do anything. She’ll see us in every person she meets.

EXT. TIM’S HOUSE. DAY

ANDREA and BRIAN drive up to the house just as TIM exits the house.
ANDREA jumps out of the car.

ANDREA
Tim!

ANDREA runs up to TIM.

TIM
Hello.

ANDREA
I just thought I’d come and tell you I’ll soon be able to pay back the money I owe you.

TIM
I’ve told you not to worry about the money.

ANDREA
I just don’t want it hanging over us.
Where you off to? We’ll give you a lift.

BRIAN
I think we should get back to the thing.

ANDREA
We have loads of time. She’ll be ages in the queue.

INT. CAR. DAY

TIM
So you’ve finally gotten a job?

ANDREA
Not really. We’ve kidnapped a wealth woman’s son and holding him for ransom for ?5000.

TIM
That’s not much.

ANDREA
If we asked for too much she might involve the police.
Or it might take too long for her to get the money.

TIM
Wait a minute. I’m not being kidnapped am I?

ANDREA and BRIAN remain silent.

ANDREA
No, of course not.

They laugh.

EXT. STREET. DAY

The car stops and Tim gets out.

TIM
Thanks for the lift, and good luck.

The car drives away.

INT. CAR. DAY
BRIAN
Why the **** did you tell him for?

ANDREA
Don’t worry, he’s not going to “grass us up”.
He wouldn’t do that to me.

INT. CAR. DAY

ANDREA and BRIAN look across the street at the bank.

ANDREA
So far so good.

BRIAN
Nothing will go wrong.

ANDREA
Everything will go right.

BRIAN
Yes.

ANDREA
Yes.

BRIAN
Good.

ANDREA
Very good.

BRIAN
Excellent.

They see MRS. ARAMAGHRUMAN leave the bank. They start the car and follow.

EXT. RIVERBANK. DAY

MRS. ARAMAGHRUMAN throws the bag, which is attached to a rope, into the river.

ANDREA and BRIAN both quickly pull on the rope.
BRIAN lifts up the bag from the river.
He looks into the distance.

BRIAN
Oh s h i t!

BRIAN starts to run with the bag under his arm. ANDREA follows.

EXT. ROADSIDE. DAY

BRIAN jumps into the car followed by ANDREA. They drive off.

INT. CAR. DAY.

ANDREA looks behind her.

ANDREA
I don’t see them. I think we’ve lost them.

BRIAN
Lost who?

ANDREA looks at BRIAN.
BRIAN begins to laugh.
ANDREA punches BRIAN repeatedly in the arm.

BRIAN
Ouch! I’m driving here. You crazy?

ANDREA
That’s just not funny.

BRIAN
After this I hope never to see you ever again.

EXT. STREET. DAY

The car remained parked while they divide the money.
ANDREA gets out of the car with her half of the money.
The car drives off.

EXT. BUILDING. EVENING

ANDREA paces back and forth in front of the building with the bag of money dangling in her hands.
TIM comes out of the building. ANDREA runs up to him.

ANDREA
Tim. I have the money.

ANDREA holds up the bag of money.

TIM
So everything went well?

ANDREA hands him the bag of money.

ANDREA
It’s all there.

TIM
Did you release the son?

EXT. HOUSE. EVENING

THE SON knocks on the door, looking worse for wear with no trousers. MRS. ARAMAGHRUMAN opens the door.

ANDREA (V.O)
We didn’t actually kidnap him. We just got him drunk the night before and dumped him with no money or trousers in the middle of nowhere.

EXT. BUILDING. EVENING.

ANDREA
I’m kind of hungry. Let’s go get something to eat.

TIM
I’d like to, but I’ve got other plans.

SONIA walks out of the building and takes TIM by the hand. They begin to walk away.

TIM
Maybe some other time.

TIM gives ANDREA a small wave as he turns his back to her. She waves back but he doesn’t seen.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ December 26, 2002 06:06 AM: Message edited by: Rar ]</font>

[Ralph Snart]

The flow of dialog is good and funny.
What I think you may be missing is a logistical problem.
Try this. the next time you watch a movie or a TV show. hold your eyes out of focus for a second and consider all the other people who are standing around operating lights, sound equipment etc.

[deanl]

Hey there.

To be honest, I found parts of it confusing. I didnt get what a lot of the relationships were between characters. They just appeared and started talking. I understand what you were trying to do with the "twist" I think it can be set out a little better.

Ignore Ralph

"Try this. the next time you watch a movie or a TV show. hold your eyes out of focus for a second and consider all the other people who are standing around operating lights, sound equipment etc."

I how the chuff is doing that meant to help the guy when writing a screenplay?

Despin out.

[ac_01]

It was ok. The dialogue was funny in places. The twist at the end could have been done better but it was ok as it is. For some reason I think you could have done without Tim as a chracter. He just seemed pointless.